


TRANSMUTED

by kwuintessence



Category: Winner (Band)
Genre: M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-13
Updated: 2016-11-13
Packaged: 2018-08-30 20:59:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8548927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kwuintessence/pseuds/kwuintessence
Summary: DEFINITION: changed in form, nature, or substance. (Past Tense)*This is the sequel to TRANSMUTE.*





	1. Falling Out of Grace

This story is the  **sequel to my JinYoon fic[TRA](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8548756)**[ **NSMUTE**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8548756). I was considering writing another one-shot as a sequel to it but I figured I might as well make it multichap and add all the other WINNER members in it. To those of you who have NOT read it yet and would like to read it, you can click this active link:  **[TRANSMUTE](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8548756)**

 

Jinwoo waits until he’s certain that Seungyoon is asleep, when his breathing finally evens out and his arm around his waist goes heavy and lax. For a while, Jinwoo lies still, comforted by the rhythmic sound of Seungyoon’s heart beating as his head rested against his chest. It’s these nights that Jinwoo wants to keep forever, these nights when Jinwoo stays up in bed just watching his serene face.

While he sleeps, Jinwoo reaches out - brushing Seungyoon’s locks away from his face as his fingers gently ran over his features. Deep sorrow hangs over him, Jinwoo knows just how damaged he is, knows just how sick he is, knows just how wrong this is - wanting Seungyoon in the way that he does. He gently feels along his cheek, tracing Seungyoon’s jawline, desperately fighting the urge to replace his fingers with his lips.

It’s okay, Jinwoo tells himself, Seungyoon is asleep and would never know just how twisted and just how defiled he really is. He takes one last look at Seungyoon, cupping his face in his hands.

 _“Thank you for loving me.”_ He murmurs softly, running his thumbs on the rounds of Seungyoon’s cheeks. Jinwoo pries his arm off him slowly, careful not to jostle the bed too much as he slipped out of his warm embrace.

 

.

.

.

 

He can still remember that man’s words, how he cooed his name in a way that made his insides squirm as they coiled in anger, in hate, in frustration. And then there were his hands (reminiscent of Seungyoon’s but lacking its warmth and gentleness) moving inside his thigh, calloused and rough, as his mouth twisted into a sinister grin that he dreaded.

_“Be a good boy. I’ll be done with you soon enough.”_

Jinwoo wanted to scream but his voice dies down in his throat when Seungyoon’s face flashes in his head - smiling at him, calling his name, holding him and telling him everything will be alright. But it wasn’t, not this time, there was no way...not when his tears can only silently slide down his face at the burn, the intrusion, at the gasp that falls out of that wicked man’s lips.

_“Move.” He orders, shoving himself deeper in him, his grip on his thigh tightening. “Hurry up.”_

 

 

 

Jinwoo reels at the recollection, hissing as his fingernails dug deeply in his arms. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. He muttered repeatedly as he clawed at his skin, his head filled with dark memories too many for him to count. Seungyoon would never hear them, _Seungyoon should never know._

The razor drags across his skin and Jinwoo had to grit his teeth to stop himself from screaming. He hasn’t done this since the day Seungyoon kissed him and told him he loved him. The pain heightens, so much more than it did back then but Jinwoo doesn’t stop, he couldn’t. Blood oozes from the bright red slash, dripping down into his legs and into the cold tiled bathroom floor. There was pain but there was relief, as if every cut he made was purging the darkness he had in his heart.

 

 

 

 _“No?”_ A hysterical chuckle followed. _“Are you refusing me, you whore?!”_

 _“Go fuck yourself.”_ Jinwoo tells the man and he knows he’s enraged him by the way his hand flew so fast onto his cheek in a loud stinging slap that had him toppling down on the floor.

 _“Who the fuck do you think you are?”_ The man spat out, grabbing him by the ankle and forcefully dragging him across the rough rug and into the center of the room, the abrasive textile scraping against his skin felt like burning pinpricks. _“You fucking whore! I will fuck you until you’re dead.”_

 

 

 

A metallic scent hung in the air, Jinwoo’s arm feels so numb and the tiled floor beneath his feet is scarlet and sticky. Another cut, another bite - his mouth fills with the taste of blood. Tears start falling from his eyes as he raises the blade and makes another cut.

 

 

 

The man moving on top of him snarled against his ear as he slammed into him beastialy a few more times, knocking Jinwoo’s head against the wall each time. Every thrust the man above him made felt like a stab in his chest. His eyes stayed open as he mutely prayed into an invisible God for this to be over.

_“You’re so pretty, Jinwoo. You make me so happy when you do as I tell you.”_

His words made Jinwoo’s blood boil. Somewhere in the back of his mind was Seungyoon, he can picture him waiting up for him on their bed, his guitar on his lap. His arms outstretched as he welcomed him home, clinging onto him and telling him how much he was missed. Fuck this. Jinwoo thinks, he shouldn’t defile Seungyoon. He was his light and warmth, the sun in his cold dark sky.

Holding back his tears, Jinwoo pulled his freed arm back and with all the strength he can muster, punched the man on top of him square in the face. The man falls back and groans, Jinwoo quickly scrambles to get up, his legs shaky.

 

 

 

Fingers outstretched, his warmth trickling through them. Jinwoo shuddered as he felt a sudden chill envelope him. What has he become? he asked himself, staring at his reflection on the bloodstained mirror in front of him. He could no longer recognize the young man standing on the other side, hollowly staring back at his pitiable existence, eyes so cold and desolate that they terrified him. Soon he could no longer keep himself upright, his blood spurted out and scattered like fine rain as his vision faltered.

 

 

 

Before he can reach the doorknob Jinwoo felt a violent yank. He was pulled back and dragged by the hair, only to later on be flung onto the bed.

 _“You stupid whore!”_ The man hissed, quickly climbing on top of him. Jinwoo tries to get away but the man was so much more stronger than he was. It didn’t take long for him to get pinned down. Then just as suddenly, the man struck his cheek - Jinwoo reels back, stunned at the force. But he wasn’t done with him yet, the man rammed himself into him just as violently that Jinwoo’s pinned form under his massive body arced off the mattress at the pain that shot inside him.

The tears he held back started spilling down, his mouth opened and closed in a desperate attempt to take as much air into his burning lungs, cheeks stinging as if they were being lapped up by an open flame. His hand opened and clenched as they were painfully held tightly over his head. Every thrust felt like death and Jinwoo was sure that soon he would be.

 

**_Seungyoonie, I’m sorry._ **

 

.

.

.

 

 _“Jinwoo, what have you done?!”_ He can hear Seungyoon sobbing, can feel his warmth as he took him in his arms and slowly cradled him, his tears spilling out and falling on his shoulder.

Jinwoo wanted to wrap his arms around him and wipe his tears but he could barely move. His limbs felt heavy and so did his lids. Seungyoon's hands are now on the sides of his face, he can feel his breath and his tears as he pressed his lips firmly against his and pressed their foreheads together.

 _"Jinwoo, hold on for me."_ He opens his eyes a bit, just enough to see Seungyoon bite his lip before a small smile graced his tear streaked face. _"Please. I can't lose you again. Not like this."_

Jinwoo wanted to touch him, no, he _needed_ to touch him. **His Seungyoon** , his sunshine, his everything. But fate remained cruel to him all the way to the bitter end, he couldn't even reach the person he loved most in the world.

 


	2. A Star Burns Out

Broken sobs racked his frame as his world plunged in darkness.

 _“Jinwoo...”_ Seungyoon called softly, shaking him lightly.

There was no response.

It felt as if his heart had been ripped out of his chest. Everything felt so surreal and the metallic tang of blood hung heavily in the air. His lover, Kim Jinwoo, has gone limp and quiet in his arms. Seungyoon lightly caressed his beloved’s pale tear stained cheek with the back of his hand, careful not to let not even a drop of blood mar his peaceful delicate face.

 _“Don't go...”_ Seungyoon silently pleaded, brushing a strand of hair from his Jinwoo’s closed eyes, _“...stay with me...”_

 He wanted so badly to believe that none of this was real but the striking sight of Jinwoo’s blood running on the bathroom tiles was telling him otherwise. Cradling him gently against his chest, Seungyoon could feel Jinwoo’s blood seeping through his shirt. He held on to him protectively, rocking him slightly as he pressed his cheek at the top of his head.

 _“I need you... ”_ Seungyoon whispered, his grip on his lover tightening. _“...come back… please…”_

Jinwoo’s hair had the distinct crisp scent of sweet apples. Seungyoon couldn’t help but grimace in guilt as the familiar scent hit him like ocean waves crashing against the sand. He shook his head weakly, the edges of his vision growing dark as hot angry tears spilled from his eyes.

 

Just hours ago, before they went to bed, Jinwoo had asked him for help with washing his hair. Seungyoon playfully refused him at first, pinning him to the couch to prevent him from leaving. He could still recall Jinwoo’s pale slender fingers on his skin as he lightly poked his cheeks, his pretty pink lips curving into a smile that never failed to make Seungyoon’s already captivated heart flutter even more. It was mere moments after that when he felt them ever so gently press against his temple, followed by Jinwoo’s lithe arms encircling his neck.

 _‘What are you doing?’_ Seungyoon breathes against Jinwoo’s too close lips, his heart beginning to race in anticipation.

His beloved didn’t disappoint.

With wet lips and burning eyes, Jinwoo answers him in the best way he knows how - _with his lips moving slowly against his,_ deliciously branding him and pulling goosebumps out of his skin. Seungyoon’s hands clasp Jinwoo’s hips, consciously molding their bodies together.

 _‘If you help me wash my hair...’_ Jinwoo says softly against his neck, his breath teasing and hot on his skin, _‘...I’ll give you something you really want.’_

Enticed, Seungyoon catches his gaze and nods, a grin forming in his lips. He cups Jinwoo’s face and draws him closer, breath hitching as he caught Jinwoo’s lips with his. One of his hands slide into Jinwoo’s hair, tangling it in an effort to stay in control.

 _‘What is it?’_ He breathes into his lover’s ear, eyes hooded as he ever so gently trailed his lips on the side of his neck, leaving the faintest trail of kisses on his skin. _“What are you going to give me?”_

Distracted by the gentle flame between them now burning brighter, they come together again, leaving Seungyoon’s question hanging. Swollen lips, eager hands, Seungyoon kisses Jinwoo harder - aching for that something more, that next step that they haven’t taken. Touching and tasting, they dangerously teetered at the brink.

 _‘Seungyoonie...’_ Jinwoo silently stares up at him, his lips well-ravished and glistening, eyes shiny under the soft glow of an incandescent floor lamp. _“...I’ll buy you some pudding.”_

 

The wail of sirens assaulted Seungyoon’s ears as they edged closer, bringing him out of his reverie. Soon there are hurried heavy footfalls thundering down the hall.

 _“We’ve over here!”_ Seungyoon shouted, voice tinged with urgency, banging with all his might on the bathroom door with one hand while holding on to his lover’s lifeless form with the other.

 

.

.

.

 

Han Jeongkyung reluctantly opened his eyes, his gaze falling on the glowing digits displayed on the digital clock atop his bedside table. It was a little over two in the morning and his phone lying on top of the book he had been reading that night furiously flashed as it rang.

A strange inexplicable deep feeling started to well within him and without much conscious thought he reached for the device, his features lightly scrunching at the unfamiliar numbers it displayed on the screen.

Accepting the call, he warily raised the device to his ear. _“Hello.”_

“Hello.” A steady voice on the other end of the line greeted back. _“Is this Mister Han? Han Jeongkyung?”_

 _“Yes.”_ He answered, a puzzling cold feeling settling in the pit of his stomach.

_“This is the ER at the Samsung Medical Center...”_

His eyes widened slightly, a dull shockwave of pain growing in his chest.

  
  
 

The trip to the hospital seemed to take hours in his mind. In reality, his watch reflected that not even ten minutes had passed since he received the call. With most of the city’s inhabitants still entrapped in deep slumber, their vehicle sped along Seoul’s nearly empty roads - the scenery outside the window blurring into a dark shoddy structural mess until they stopped at a red light.

Growing restless, Jeongkyung looked up, sharing a glance with the chauffeur on the rear-view mirror.

_“How much longer until we get there?”_

_“About ten minutes, sir.”_ The driver answered, fingers drumming against the steering wheel.

Sinking back into his seat, Jeongkyung looked out the window once more and for several minutes he could do nothing but stare. Cold, distant stars watched him from above. He cursed softly under his breath, glaring at the sky.

  
  
 

Arriving at the hospital, he headed straight to the reception desk. After giving the attendants there his name and contact information, a nurse immediately escorted him down a long corridor and into a desolate waiting area.

_“He’s over there.”_

The nurse pointed at an almost unrecognizable young man slumped down on the floor by the OR doors. He had his head tucked between his knees, hair sticking out in all directions, his feet bare.

Jeongkyung stared at the young man before him reluctantly, clenching his fingers tightly against the strap of the duffel bag he carried.

 _“He isn’t hurt.”_ the nurse turned to him, pausing slightly, _“At least, not physically.”_

  
  


_“Doryeonnim?”_

Kang Seungyoon slowly raised his head, looking up at him with lackluster eyes. His withdrawn demeanor and solemn expression told him everything he needed to know.

Dried smears and flecks of blood tainted the side of his face and neck, an awful reminder of the horrific incident that just transpired.

He moved towards him a little closer. Unbuttoning the jacket he was wearing, he slipped it off his shoulders and draped it over the young man.

 _“Think you can stand?”_ He offered his hand and waited.

Kang Seungyoon shook his head slowly, it took a few moments before he started to move. Standing on his own, he pulled Jeongkyung’s jacket around him tightly and started walking.

  
  
 

They made their way towards the nearest restroom wordlessly. The strong smell of blood hung around them, making Jeongkyung restless. He lowered his gaze, his eyes settling on Seungyoon’s bare feet. They were matted with dirt, the dried blood on his soles and ankles flaking.

When they finally reached the restroom, Jeongkyung hurriedly pushed the door open. Stepping to the side, he pulled Seungyoon in with him and locked the door. He walked over to the toilet and lowered the lid. Placing the duffel bag he had been carrying with him on top of it, he then rolled up his sleeves.

_“Let’s get you cleaned up.”_

Jeongkyung’s jacket was covering Seungyoon the entire time. He slipped it off his shoulders, pausing at the sight of the t-shirt he wore underneath. The fabric clung to his lithe frame - blood had soaked through it, staining even his jeans. The sharp metallic scent was overwhelming.

Seungyoon turned away from him and peeled his shirt off, leaving the nonsalvageable article on the tiled floor. Turning back to face him, streaks of blood covered his torso and his arms, dried and smeared on his pale skin. Jeongkyung squeezed his eyes closed, hands trembling.

 _“Don’t worry.”_ He heard Seungyoon say, voice soft but steady.

Jeongkyung nodded weakly, taking a good look at the young man standing in front of him.

 _“It’s not mine.”_ Seungyoon started and stopped, gaze falling to the floor, his breathing heavy with emotion. _“It’s Jinwoo’s.”_

  
  
 

From the duffel bag he brought with him, Jeongkyung pulled out a few of the washcloths he packed along with some soap. Filling the sink with some warm water, he dipped a washcloth into it - hesitating for a few seconds before he began to gently scrub Seungyoon’s skin.

 _“I’ll do it.”_ Seungyoon offered. Taken aback, Jeongkyung looked up at him.

Before he can formulate a tangible response, the lad had already taken the washcloth from his hand, picking up where he left of - rubbing the washcloth over his slender fingers and under his nails where most of the blood congealed.

_“Seungyoon-ah.”_

The young man turned slightly, gaze meeting his. Jeongkyung rarely called him by his name - only at times when he felt it really mattered, only at times when he felt it was needed.

 _“Jinwoo is going to be just fine...”_ He wanted to be assuring but his voice betrayed him.

Despite his fumble, Seungyoon nodded in agreement, smiling at him meekly, his eyes glassy with unshed tears. Jeongkyung placed a sympathetic hand on his shoulder and patted him lightly, the only form of comfort he can offer him at this moment. For a long time neither one of them spoke, that is until Seungyoon wearily sighed and rubbed his eyes - a streak of coppery blood staining his cheek.

 _“I’m scared.”_ he heard Seungyoon say, his voice barely a whisper. He bit into his bottom lip as the tears he had been holding back slid down his cheeks without warning.

Jeongkyung squeezed his shoulder, vision blurring. His whole heart going out to the lad that he considered to be his own. The air hung heavily around them.

 _“I want him back.”_ Seungyoon scrubbed angrily at his tears. _“I can’t lose Jinwoo again.”_

Jeongkyung knew just how deep Seungyoon’s feelings ran for the other boy. His hand on Seungyoon’s shoulder trembled, unsure of what to say.

 

.

.

.

 

It’s been **four** days.

Four days since he last heard Jinwoo call his name.

Four days since he last looked into Jinwoo’s eyes.

 

By then, Kang Seungyoon has become a permanent fixture by Kim Jinwoo’s bedside in the ICU. He gazes at his lover’s sleeping face lovingly - his features lax, skin paler than usual. He looked even more fragile lying on his hospital bed, still he remained beautiful in Seungyoon’s eyes, and despite the odds - _alive._

 _“I miss you.”_ Seungyoon whispers to him, gingerly laying an arm over his chest. The only way he can embrace him, even if just for a little while.

While holding him, Seungyoon closed his eyes, relishing in the feel of simply having Jinwoo back in his arms again. Breathing in, his heart clenched - realizing that he could no longer detect even the slightest hint of Jinwoo’s beloved apples on his hair.

  
  
 

It was the **seventh** day. Nighttime fell.

The blur of red and blue lights are now burned in the back of Seungyoon’s mind along with the glaring sound of sirens the broke the stillness on that unfortunate night. Seungyoon remembers the screeching halt the ambulance made as it stopped, Jinwoo’s bloody hand lolling off at the side of the stretcher. There’s frantic shouting above all the chaos, Seungyoon recalls running over cold tiles and the OR doors slamming shut in his face. Numbness eats at him from his toes, abruptly he’s left alone in an alley of white - everything goes quiet, save for the sound of his heart wildly beating in his chest.

Seungyoon stretched himself slowly. His body aching from sitting on a hard chair for a week. Sitting up a little straighter, he yawned and shook his head, hoping to stay awake a little longer. Carefully pulling his beloved’s right hand from under the sheets, he gripped it gently in his own.

 _“You’re so mean.”_ he pouted, lightly resting his chin on top of Jinwoo’s hand, _“How can you just go and leave me?”_

His query was met with silence, except for the sound of Jinwoo’s heart monitor beeping every couple seconds. Everything felt absolutely still, almost as if time had stopped for them in that very room. The memory of his hand brushing against Jinwoo’s skin the night Jeongkyung first brought him to him flashes in his mind.

Seungyoon glanced at Jinwoo’s face, recalling the Citha he met from that night and how his fingers lightly traced the little black heart drawn under his right eye. He remembered the faint scar on his knee and the lines that marred his pale wrist, but more than those things, it’s what he felt that left the biggest impression.

That bubbling feeling of wanting nothing more than to hold Jinwoo in his arms and protect him.

  
  
  
 

On the **ninth** day, Seungyoon’s spirit was tested. Jinwoo’s heart monitor went off in the middle of the night sending a flood of nurses into the room along with a couple doctors. His blood pressure was quickly dropping, his heart rate getting faster but weaker. The three lines displayed on Jinwoo’s heart monitor showed low spikes growing further apart. It scared Seungyoon to see Jinwoo’s lips turning blue, the sound of his breathing growing more labored and distinct as seconds ticked by, more and more like a rattle.

His Jinwoo is a star on an inky night, breathtaking and captivating. His brilliance was unrivaled, he shone over all the other stars with his magnificent radiance. Now Seungyoon could do nothing but watch him grow dimmer and dimmer.

An ominous drawn out beep filled the room. Seungyoon squeezed his eyes shut, hoping that it will erase the sight of the three flat lines now displayed on Jinwoo’s heart monitor. Opening them again, he was met with disappointment. He struggled to breathe normally as he watched them frantically attempt to revive Jinwoo in desperation.

All eyes in the room were riveted on the three unmoving lines on the screen, their ears tuned in. Waiting for that one tiny wave, that one little beep that will assure them that they’ve managed to pull Kim Jinwoo over the edge.

But there was none. _No beep._

The three lines remained as they are, _unmoving._

 

 _‘He’s gone.’_ He then heard them say, _‘It was inevitable.’_

 

Seungyoon wanted to lash out at them, he wanted to scream. How can that be? Jinwoo was still warm under his touch just minutes ago. Their voices and words were all resonating in his head, images of Jinwoo before all this flooding into his mind in a blur. He took a few deep breaths, finding it a little more difficult with each passing second. His head was buzzing, heart beating so fast that it hurt.

Then everything went completely still as he felt a gentle gust of wind brush past him. The soft breeze rustled his hair as it lightly tickled his skin. Seungyoon closed his eyes, lips parted, the scent of apples surrounding him. Emptiness clawed at his chest, seeping in through the cracks in his heart, heavy and cold it filled him with dread, with grief.

Before him,  Jinwoo appeared  in the shadows,  growing darker and darker until he was  one with it.

Seungyoon shook his head grimly, his hands trembling.

_Even the brightest stars burn out._

 

.

.

.

 

Quietly, he stood there - watching lingering wisps of smoke rise from the ashes and into the breaking dawn. Rain fell around him, it's droplets trickling down the side of his face and washing away the soot and scent of smoke that clung to him.

Images of unforgiving flames licking the walls playback in his mind along with billowing dark clouds of smoke that hindered his vision and made his lungs burn. His breath ghosts into white air and in seconds he has interrupted the stillness with his fitful sobs.

_“Taehyunnie.”_

There’s the distinct light squeak of wet canvas shoes from behind him, he doesn’t need to turn back to know who it is. Water rushes by in streams along the asphalt road as he brushes off his tears with the back of his hand, breath hissing between his teeth in disappointment and frustration.

 _“Hyung, mianhe...”_ he gasped. Shakily reaching for his brother’s already waiting hand, he threaded his fingers through them. _“Jinwoo-hyung, mianhe...”_

The other drew him close as he said this, embracing him tightly.

 _“I promised you, didn’t I?”_ He was reminded in a low voice. _“I will protect you. Always.”_

There was a slight hint of a smile at the end of his tone that made Taehyun look up at him and blink back his tears. Warmth seeped into his being as his eyes traced the upward curve of his older brother’s lips, both familiar and comforting.

Memories of years gone by flashed in the back of his mind - of white walls, the strong smell of antiseptic, cold frail hands smaller than his, colorful balloons floating up a clear blue sky. His chest grows tight at the vague recollection, Taehyun screwed his eyes tight, holding on to his older brother with all his might.

His presence was enough to ease his weary mind.

 

 

_Beeeeeep! Beeeeeep! Beeeeeep! Beeeeeep!_

 

A strangled moan escaped him. Lids still heavy with sleep, Taehyun reached towards the source of the annoying sound. His mobile phone.

He turns off the alarm, staring at the digital numbers from between his longish hair, exactly 04:00 AM.

From his bed, he scans his room silently for a moment, waiting for his vision to adjust in the dark.

His gaze falls over neatly arranged books in his bookcase, moving towards reflective ripped magazine pages and polaroids tacked on his walls. He takes a quick glance at the door, biting his lips lightly as his eyes went over two deadbolts and a door chain.

  
 _‘Taehyunnie…’_ His older brother’s voice echoes from the other end of the line.

 

Taehyun knew he was too far gone, he quickly understood just from how terribly frail Jinwoo’s voice sounded. Fear crept into his heart, nervously he pursed his lips, all he wanted was for Jinwoo to come back.

 _‘Hyung, I want to see you.’_ He pleaded, gripping the receiver tightly. _‘Please come back.’_

 _“I cant.”_ Jinwoo stated simply.

 _“Where are you?”_ Taehyun insisted, _“I’m coming to get you.”_

 _“Don’t come.”_ Jinwoo said firmly, _“I’m your older brother, I’m supposed to be the one looking after you...”_

 _“Hyung...”_ Taehyun said nervously.

_“Listen to me Taehyunnie, I don’t have much time...”_

Taehyun’s tears fell as he slid open the drawer, inside was a black journal with its string wound around it. He shakily traced the string with his fingers, unable to hold back his tears.

_“I can’t do this, hyung. Not without you.”_

_“Taehyunnie, it’s okay.”_ Taehyun shook his head, brows creasing. _“You can do this, alright?”_

 

Tears began to fill Taehyun’s eyes, he blinked them back quickly realizing that he was once more reliving a fragment of his past. An uncomfortable unseen weight presses against his chest as his older brother’s smiling visage swims into his vision. He finds that there’s a twinkle of kindness in his eyes that he had not seen on him in a very long time. Quite unlike the _‘Jinwoo-hyung’_ he kept in his musings who appeared fleeting like snow.

His older brother remained a constant reminder of what staying alive meant and what being at home felt like. He was everything that was around him - all these places and all these little things that Taehyun has no name for and sometimes wanted to forget but couldn’t.

 

He was _everything he was_ and everything he was not.

 

A squashed flower, _a walking contradiction._

 

A _reflection_

of everything

that Taehyun

once _loved._

 

_He lied._

 

**Still loves.**

 

There were terrible things that happened yet nothing was far worse and more painful than hearing his older brother’s wavering voice as he called his name a final time. Outside the wind has picked up, Taehyun turns his head and watches the branches of a nearby tree scratch against his window pane.

_“Will we ever find that place, hyung? That place where you and I can be together?”_

**Taehyun still hopes.**

 


	3. Lost But Not Defeated

Seungyoon gingerly bent over his unconscious lover, being careful not to brush against the breathing tube and feeding tube sticking out of his mouth. It’s their eleventh night in the ICU. Kim Jinwoo remained in deep slumber, the beeping of his heart monitor on the side was the only only thing in that room that assured Seungyoon that he was still holding on.

Brushing the hair away from Jinwoo’s face, Seungyoon tenderly pressed his lips on his forehead. He watched him for a few minutes, absorbed in his thoughts. Looking at him now, Seungyoon can feel something stirring from within - something different, something he feared.

_A dying star about to be swallowed by the darkness of the universe._

  
 

 

> _“It doesn’t look optimistic. The patient suffered extensive blood loss and went into shock. He also severed an artery.”_ The doctor shook his head, his white lab coat blending in with the bland hospital walls.
> 
> _“We resuscitated him twice already but oxygen may not have reached his brain successfully. Even if he wakes up, there’s a possibility of him not having full use of his left hand and having a mental disability.”_
> 
> Seungyoon felt numb, the letters on the DNR form he was given coming out of focus.
> 
> _“His chances are very slim.”_ The doctor's eyes are pitying, _“We’re monitoring him closely. There’s nothing more we can do.”_
> 
> _“But there is still a chance, right?”_ Jeongkyung spoke up from beside him, slowly rising from his seat. _“Kim Jinwoo is still alive. He can still wake up.”_
> 
> The doctor released a disheartened sigh. _“His heart can stop again at any time.”_
> 
> _“We can perform resuscitative measures but each time we do we are increasing the risk of further brain damage.”_
> 
> Seungyoon can’t think straight anymore, was there something that he could have done to change things? His gaze fell over Jinwoo, his skin is so pale that it was almost translucent. White pillows, white sheets, white bandages - a throbbing starts from behind his eyes, steadily growing into an ache.
> 
> _“We need to know.”_ The doctor presses, _“Do you want us to keep resuscitating him? Or do you want to just let him go the next time his heart stops?”_
> 
> Seungyoon stayed quiet, teeth clenched behind his lips.

  
 

He shook his head slowly, eyes burning at the recollection.

Although unconscious, _Jinwoo is still there._ **With him.**

The _weird gravity_ between them still exists.

 

Returning to his chair by the bedside, Seungyoon placed his hand over Jinwoo’s chest. He could feel his heart beating from right under his palm, it was weak yet steady. Closing his eyes, he began humming softly. It was the melody to a song that he composed not too long ago. He didn’t have his guitar to accompany him tonight but he did have his voice. He hummed it a couple more times, his fingers lightly tapping against Jinwoo’s chest as he recalled the lyrics that he wrote for it and started singing delicately.

 

**_I’m the number zero, empty inside_ **

_nan sogi teongbin sutjja yeong_

**_You’re the one (1), the light that filled me._ **

_neon nal chaewojun bit hana_

**_That’s right, you plus me is one_ **

_geurae neo deohagi nan hana_

 

Seungyoon’s voice started to shake, the weak pulsing from under his hand was getting stronger. He opened his eyes and glanced at Jinwoo’s face warily, eyes focused on his closed lids as he tried to comprehend what was happening at that very moment.

 

 

> _Somewhere, his precious star is rioting._
> 
> _Beautifully broken, a little lost, but not defeated._

 

It was a sign from him, Seungyoon believed. As realization set in, the corners of his mouth couldn't help but twitch as they slowly turned up, the beating of his own heart matching the beat of Jinwoo’s as he sang.

  
 

**_I’m nothing, a zero (0),_ **

_nan amugeottto anin yeong_

**_You’re the one (1) person who looked at me_ **

_neon nareul ppwajun hansaram_

**_That’s right, you plus me is us._ **

_geurae neo deohagi nan uri_

.

.

.

 

It was her first day on the job, having transferred from a small hospital just outside the city. She only got the keys to her new apartment the night before and she hasn’t had the chance to unpack much of her things yet. Walking into the hospital that morning for her shift was a bit of a surprise for her, not only was it far bigger than she imagined but the staff members turned out to be quite an intriguing bunch too.

She spent the first couple of hours familiarizing herself with her new surroundings and getting acquainted with the medical staff that she’ll be working with closely. They had plenty of stimulating stories to share but what everyone honed in on was a patient that had been brought in exactly fourteen days ago, _Kim Jinwoo._

They had a lot of speculations about him. However, the only thing they know for sure is that he had attempted to take his own life. Now he lies quietly at the furthest end of the ICU ward.

The nurses talked in hushed tones about the young man that never leaves his bedside. None of them knew exactly who the young man was, but seeing how he had stayed with the patient this whole time, they can only assume that the two know each other and must be quite close.

Another thing they noted is the mysterious middle aged man that would visit the pair multiple times in a day. He was always impeccably dressed, walking down the ward in a very dignified manner. Some of the staff members even caught sight of him getting in and out of an expensive luxury car. This led to the staff members gossiping and betting about their mysterious patient’s real identity.

Now standing just a few feet away from the subjects of the hospital’s hottest gossip, she couldn’t help but grow nervous. She was only a glass pane away from seeing this Kim Jinwoo and his unidentified bedside companion.

 

Stepping in, she drew back the curtains a little. Just as she anticipated, a young man was indeed sitting by the patient’s bedside. He turned her way as she entered the enclosed space, not saying anything.

 _“Hi. I - uh, I need to change his IV.”_ She anxiously started, motioning to him with her hand.

He nodded at her, his bright yellow ‘smiley’ shirt vividly stood out against the too white hospital walls and the numerous beeping medical equipment that was in the room.

 _“I haven’t see you before.”_ He said, not moving from his seat. He had an earphone inserted in one ear while the other was in Kim Jinwoo’s ear.

 _“I just got transferred here.”_ She replied, approaching the bedside. _“It’s my first day.”_

Turning to face him again, she smiled slightly as she noticed a stubborn looking cowlick sticking out from his hair. Somehow, she thought it suited him with his handsome boyish features and all.

Deeply curious and feeling a little bold, she decided to see if she can perhaps converse with the young man. Although he looked exhausted (the dark circles under his eyes was a tell-tale sign), he seemed like a really nice guy. He just has this ‘good boy’ kind of aura around him.

 _“Your body must be aching from sitting on that chair.”_ She started, testing the waters. _“You should go home and get some proper rest.”_

The young man looked up at her, he didn’t seem upset but he did seem mildly amused.

 _“I am home.”_ He answered, a small smile forming on his lips. _“He’s my home.”_

She chuckled a little at his playful sounding response as she switched Kim Jinwoo’s almost empty IV bag with a new one.

 _“You two sure seem close.”_ She teased. _“Doesn't your girlfriend get jealous?”_

 _“I don't have one.”_ He answered, still smiling.

 _“Seriously?”_ She leaned forward, finding his response surprising.

 _“Seriously.”_ He confirmed, his grin getting even wider.

 _He’s really cute,_ she had to admit. Playfully, she narrowed her eyes at him, _“You’re young and good looking. You should go out and find a pretty girl to have fun with.”_

 _“I could but I wouldn't.”_ He turned his head towards the sleeping Kim Jinwoo, _“He won't like that.”_

Now done with changing the patient’s IV. She checked to see if there's anything else the patient might need. Seeing that the bandages covering his cuts didn't need changing yet, she had a look at the urine drainage bag hanging on the side of the bed.

_“Boo! You’re no fun. Girls don’t like that.”_

_“It’s fine.”_ He responded, _“I’m not interested.”_

 _“You say that now, just wait until you see a really pretty girl.”_ She raised her brow at him, _“I’m sure you will eat your words.”_

 _“That’s...”_ He cocked his head to the side letting out a tiny sigh, staring at the sleeping Kim Jinwoo yet again. _“...not gonna happen.”_

She huffed at him, shaking her head. Leaning over the slumbering patient to check on his breathing and feeding tubes, she found herself unable to move. She was unexpectedly and inexplicably drawn in by his delicate features. His dark lashes were fanned across his cheeks while his well-defined lips held the tubes inserted inside his body in place.

 

_“Beautiful, isn’t he?”_

 

She blinked a few times, unable to look away. Now fully understanding why the staff members in their ward referred to Kim Jinwoo as ‘Sleeping Beauty.’

_“Just wait until he wakes up and opens his eyes.”_

She turned to look at him, a delicate warmth seeping into her chest when she found him smiling - not just with his lips and mouth, his whole face was lit up. His almond shaped eyes shining bright.

_“You’ll be amazed.”_

He rose from his seat, lightly cupping Kim Jinwoo’s cheek.

_“He’s got a whole galaxy in his eyes.  Imagine, a million twinkling stars...”_

She smiled softly at the thought, immersing herself in his gentle steady voice as he painted a picture in her mind. A sky so dark that every single twinkling star on it stood out. In the center of it all was a pulsating ball of light that held her captive - _beautifully untamed,_ it shone like an expanding firework. She basked in its radiance and in that very moment, it felt as if she had found a lost galaxy in her own heart.

 

_“Doryeonnim.”_

_“Oh!”_ She turned, startled.

A middle aged man wearing a pristine black suit stood a few feet away, watching them. Feeling his penetrating gaze on her, she couldn’t help but feel self-conscious. She looked around the room anxiously, deciding that now was the best time to make an escape.

As she walked back to the nurses station, something flashed in the back of her mind, making her freeze in place. She turned slowly, eyes lingering on the drawn curtains behind the glass in Kim Jinwoo’s room.

Beside that glorious star, _was another star._

Twinkling in the _same rhythm._

 They were _almost_ touching.

 _Steadier,_ much brighter.

_It burned quietly._

 

Somewhere in that dark sky is a feeling so overwhelmingly pure and full - _it blossomed in the darkness,_ becoming its own light. Two scorching stars burning together towards the edge.

 

.

.

.

.

It’s cold and dark where he is. Empty.

There is nothing. There is no one.

 _“Jinwoo.”_ a gentle voice called out to him.

He raised his head slowly, it was a voice he knew by heart.

Although he couldn’t see him, he could sense that he was close by. In the vast endless dark space he was in, he could strangely hear the sound of his lover’s heart beating. He wanted nothing more than to curl up in his arms and let that familiar soothing melody lull him to sleep.

_“That drama you were watching, it’s ending tonight.”_

He doesn’t say anything, instead he closed his eyes, breathing in the scent of him.

_“I’m having Jeongkyung record all the episodes you missed. Let’s watch them together when you wake up.”_

Jinwoo smiled a bitter smile. Deep down, he misses the familiarity. To put it simply, he just really misses him. Even if he lives a million lives, there’s that strange nagging kind of feeling. He knew he wouldn’t find anyone better, _he would keep falling for him over and over_ again.

 

.

 

 _“It’s raining. Can you hear it?”_ A pause then a sigh _“Probably not, huh.”_

But Jinwoo actually did. If he listened intently the soft pitter patter of the rain is certainly there. It takes him back to that weekend of them camping on the couch as the weather outside unleashed all its fury. He recalls his warmth and the soft sound of his breathing as he lay beside him sleeping. Seungyoon’s arm was wrapped around him, holding him closely, unselfishly.

_“Everything is gray outside right now. It kinda reminds me of our first date...the sky is the same color as the sweater you wore.”_

Jinwoo gets him immediately, he remembers that day just as vividly. He liked how Seungyoon’s smile never left his face even when he sheepishly admitted to him about an hour later that they were indeed lost - the cafe he wanted them to go to was not where he thought it would be.

_“I lied to you.”_

Jinwoo’s mind blanks at those words, disbelieving.  His eyes flitting nervously in the dark.

_“I actually saw a sign saying the cafe moved but I didn’t tell you.”_

Seungyoon’s voice has gotten lower, the silence swells. Jinwoo’s tongue darts out of his mouth, licking over his bottom lip.

_“It was the first time you reached out and held my hand. I didn’t want to let you go so I didn’t say anything.”_

 

.

 

 _“Hey, Kim Jinwoo-shii, are you listening to me?”_ Jinwoo furrows his brows, wondering what his lover wants now.

_“When you wake up, you have to buy me pudding for each day that you stayed asleep.”_

Jinwoo laughs, nose wrinkling in the dark. Seungyoon's face flashes before him, his cherry lips in an irresistible pout that he wanted to kiss away.

_“You better not be laughing at me wherever you are.”_

_How did he know?_ Jinwoo wondered, feeling just a little guilty.

_“This is serious. I'm being serious.”_

Jinwoo purses his lips as he listened to him, trying hard not to start laughing again.

_“I haven’t had a single pudding since we got here.”_

Uncertainty crept into his heart as Seungyoon’s words sunk in, _Jinwoo doesn’t know how long he’s been sitting around in the dark._

_“Remember when you used to ask me which one I love more? You or pudding.”_

Jinwoo stares into the darkness with his brow raised and waits. It didn’t take long for a tingling sensation to arise from the corner of his mouth, a pleasant warmth spreading through him. And although Seungyoon isn’t physically there, Jinwoo can feel the pad of his thumb brushing gently against his cheek. His heart thuds deep in his chest, half-smiling he recalls his plump lips trailing down his skin and leaving _the prettiest trail of red_ he had ever seen. Moist hot breath tickles his neck sending a different sort of tingling down his spine.

_**“It’s you, Jinwoo. Just you.”** _

 

.

 

_“Jinwoo, where are you?”_

He lifted his head abruptly, eyes scanning the dark space he was in. There was something different in the way his lover’s voice sounded, almost as if he’s existing in the same plane he was rather than resounding from his mind.

_“Don’t you miss me at all?”_

Seungyoon sounded so somber, his words echoing in the eerie empty space. Sensing the weariness in his voice instantly worried him. Jinwoo whipped his head a few times, trying to figure out where his voice was coming from.

_“Please Jinwoo, I need you to wake up. Open your eyes for me one more time.”_

Jinwoo swallows, mouth going dry as he hears Seungyoon’s voice break in the dark and into repressed sobs. Growing worried, he decides to scurry towards the direction he identified to be its source.

 _“How could you do it? Did you even think about us? About me?”_ He heard him whimper. Jinwoo froze in place, hearing the hurt and pain trapped between his words. He sucked in a breath, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his hand.

_“I want to be with you. Don’t you want to be with me too?”_

Jinwoo felt heavy, like his bones are made of lead. His memories flash in his mind briskly, brutal and grimy. For a while he was able to forget...until that happened. The darkness he so desperately ran away from had found him again and it quickly caught up to him, pervading his thoughts and plaguing him day in and out and even in dreams.

_Seungyoon should never know._

Unable to take another step forward, Jinwoo shivers, his fear and frustration taking over. He remembers the burn, the intrusion. It isn’t long until his body is racked with sobs, heart filled with dread and guilt. That wrenching feeling he hated is back in his gut and his hot salty tears is all he can taste on his lips.

_Seungyoon deserves someone better. **Someone that isn’t him.**_

_“I’m tired so I’m going to sleep…”_ His lover’s voice wrenches him from his thoughts. There’s tension in the air and he doesn’t know how to dispel it. All he knows is that he loves him so much, more than he thought he ever could. Bile rises in his throat as he remembers Seungyoon’s eyes.

_“If I wake up and you’re gone, I won’t hold it against you.”_

Jinwoo’s knees give out on him, tears won’t stop running down his cheeks. Seungyoon’s voice is frail yet in the darkness his voice was deafening.

_“I’m saying that you can leave if it hurts to be with me.”_

 

.

 

Now that everything has gone quiet again, Jinwoo wonders about all the things he wanted to tell Seungyoon but couldn’t. He wonders if he thinks that he abandoned him. Which he has every right to do so, Jinwoo realizes, because he had been too selfish - too absorbed in the darkness that he feared would consume him.

 

 

> _"I like you. I really like you."_
> 
> _"You're supposed to."_ Jinwoo looked down on the floor, his confidence leaving him just as abruptly. _"I sleep around for a living. With people I don’t even know, more than my fingers could count…”_
> 
> _"I'm not like them!"_ The other boy cuts him off.
> 
> Jinwoo lifted his gaze and searched his eyes. _"Then why are you paying for my time?"_
> 
> _"Because it's the only way you'd let me in!"_ It was Jinwoo's turn to get surprised.
> 
> _"It's the only way that you'd allow me to stay beside you."_ The other guy then pressed their foreheads together, _"I want you, and I don't want to share you. And if 'love' is too much for you right now - then I won't say it."_
> 
> He pulled away a bit and looked in Jinwoo's eyes again. _"But I know how I feel and I know I won't feel this way for anyone else."_
> 
> _"Then, will you buy me each night?"_ Jinwoo asks, strung tight as a bow, breathing shaky.
> 
> _"I will, I can't stand the thought of letting anyone else have you."_
> 
> Jinwoo’s tears betrayed him as they started falling.

 

He shook his head, squeezing his eyes closed against the memory he trapped his tears.

 _“Seungyoonie...”_ he calls out. To empty air, to his lover.

Jinwoo breathes in, if he could go back, he would stay in Seungyoon’s arms like he should have. He would wake up earlier than him the next morning just so he could watch him sleep, waiting until he finally rouses and opens his eyes.

 _“I’m sorry.”_ he says, he truly is. _“I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have left you behind.”_

 

.

 

 _“I don’t think you completely understand.”_ Jinwoo heard an unfamiliar voice say, _“We’re giving you the option to let him pass peacefully, with dignity.”_

Putting a hand over his own chest, Jinwoo’s eyes widened when he finds that there is nothing there - _not a beat._ A cold feeling settled in the pit of his stomach, softly he cursed under his breath.

_“He should have woken up by now. Did it ever occur to you that maybe he isn’t waking up because he doesn’t want to wake up?”_

For the first time Jinwoo realizes the difficult position he put his lover in. The air scorches his lungs when he tries to breathe.

 

.

 

The next time Jinwoo opens his eyes, everything before him was blue. A gentle breeze was blowing and puffs of white above him were slowly rolling by. Laying on a tranquil meadow he watched blades of grass and wildflowers lightly swaying. How he got to such a place, he had no clue.

_“Just how long were you planning to make me wait?”_

Jinwoo blinks as the blue before him disappears, replaced by his lover’s face as he hovered over him.

 _“Seungyoonie...”_ He whispered, eyes growing wide in surprise.

Resting a finger over his lips, Seungyoon smiled down on him. _“I missed you. I wanted to see you.”_

Still in a state of disbelief, Jinwoo reaches out and takes his face in his hands, _“How did you get here?”_

 _“Meanie.”_ Seungyoon pouts above him, _“You’re not even saying you missed me too.”_

Jinwoo chuckles lightly, fingers running through Seungyoon’s hair. _“You shouldn’t be here. This place is not for you.”_

Seungyoon only smirked. _“You’re here, I’m here. I’m not sure I even want to wake up.”_

 _“You’ve gone crazy...”_ Jinwoo huffed.

 _“You drive me crazy.”_ Seungyoon smiled.

Jinwoo shook his head at him. _“This is a dream, isn’t it? I wonder if it’s yours or mine.”_

_“It’s ours, Jinwoo. I really wouldn’t mind staying asleep forever if it meant I can stay here with you.”_

Biting his lip, Jinwoo turned away. Seungyoon is doing it again, making it easy for him to hang on, letting him get away with it yet again.

 _“Now that you’ve seen me. You should hurry and go back.”_ Jinwoo pushed his shoulder lightly, moving away from him and rising to his feet.

 _“Where are you going?”_ Seungyoon asked slowly.

 _“Somewhere away from here.”_ Jinwoo turned back to look at him. _“Don’t follow me and go back.”_

It hurt to tell him that but Jinwoo knew it had to be done. Seungyoon is still so young and promising, he has this whole amazing life waiting for him on the other side. He gave him a silent smile, turning back and taking a step forward. In a way it was liberating, at least now Seungyoon will be rid of him - _a terrible God-awful distraction._

 _Ah, but it really really hurts._ Every step he took was spelling it out for him, he wasn’t just leaving Seungyoon behind, he was also leaving his heart that just recently learned how to beat. All of it comes flooding back to him, too much, too quick. _He thinks about him. He thinks about them._ He thinks about their hands twined together, thinks about how beautifully low Seungyoon’s voice sounds when he tries to talk and kiss him at the same time, thinks about his adorable face when he sleeps, thinks about his too bright sunshine grin, the twin moles on his neck, his fingers trapped between guitar strings. Jinwoo’s heart was breaking into little pieces and suddenly he can’t catch his breath all over again.

 

 _“Are you cold?”_ Familiar fingers curled around his wrist, stroking a soothing pattern. _“You are cold.”_ Seungyoon asserts before he can answer, his tone light. _“You’re shivering.”_

 _“I’m not cold.”_ Jinwoo manages to tell him, unable to stop his voice from shaking. _“I just...”_

Seungyoon reaches for him, his fingers lightly brushing the hair away from his face. His touch throws Jinwoo off balance, tears stinging his eyes. And as Seungyoon’s hand moves to cup his cheek, Jinwoo’s tears spill over, rolling down his cheeks. Seungyoon’s eyes are soft as he looks him over, his touch gentle as he quietly wiped away his tears.

 _“You did this to me.”_ Jinwoo sighs out, he lifts his eyes and watches him with a conflicting gaze. _“You made me love you so much, now I don’t know what to do with myself.”_

Jinwoo slaps his shoulder lightly before letting the heavy weight of his head rest on it. Seungyoon’s fingers gently slide through his hair as his arm wraps around his waist. Jinwoo closes his eyes for a moment, letting him hold him. He remembers the tender look in Seungyoon’s eyes and the way he took care of him in ways he didn’t even know he needed.

Even now, Seungyoon still hasn’t let go. _He won’t let him let go either._

There was no going back. _He loves Seungyoon._ Needs him in the same way he needs air. _Every beat of Jinwoo’s heart was for him._ There was no suppressing his feelings no matter how hard he fought against it and tried to deny it.

_“Come back to me.”_

Jinwoo opens his eyes and lifts his head to stare at Seungyoon. Shock, awe, and love battling through him as he sucks in a shaky breath.

_“Come back and be with me.”_

Seungyoon touches him gently, looking at him like he’s the most precious thing in the world even after all the hell he put him through. Jinwoo can hear nothing but affection in his voice, suddenly his heart is beating like crazy in his chest.

_“You belong with me, Jinwoo. I’m not letting you go.”_

His voice was dead serious and Jinwoo has never seen that look in his eyes before. It made his heart beat even faster.

 _“Seungyoon...”_ he whispers eventually, _“...I love you.”_

There were no other words that came to his mind but this. It was the only thing he had the confidence to voice before his body gave up and folded in on itself. Seungyoon catches him, holds him. Somehow, the word ‘yes’ almost tumbles out his lips. He watches him through weary eyes as he lays him down on the grass and pulls him back in his arms, letting him keep him warm and protect him.

Jinwoo gives him that. Even through his fears and all the other things he’s got milling in the back of his mind, Jinwoo knows that what he wants more than anything is to wake up in these arms, on their bed, every single morning for the rest of their lives.

Soft plush lips pressed against his, Jinwoo’s breath hitches. It’s chaste, beautifully and lovingly chaste. Butterflies replaced the knots in his gut, they soar displacing his worries and fears. Jinwoo parts his lips, heat curling low in his belly as Seungyoon continues to chase his lips, taking his breath away with every lingering kiss.

 _“I’ve loved you from the moment I’ve laid my eyes on you…”_ Seungyoon whispered, there were tears on his eyes, his thumb strokes across Jinwoo’s lips gently. _“...and if I could live my life over again - I will find you sooner, so that I can love you longer.”_

 


End file.
